The Shutdown
I stopped. Just like that. For no particular reason. My craving to gain something out of social media and the Internet in its current state became meaningless. My ambition to grow in likes and followers faded and left. What was the point anyway?
The last five years were covered in depression and disappointment. Whatever I’ve tried left me with nothing. But I still wanted it. I wanted the purpose it gave me. I wanted the idea that if I worked hard enough everything would be possible. It’s that easy.
Yet I’ve been stuck in the same place. For all this time.
Now I realise it spread me so thin. It made me focus on filling up every day’s glass of “content” but it was poured away the very next day. I tried as much as I could to make it work. But it always craved more. It never filled me.
I was always just as empty but I had a distraction of counting the reach, likes and followers. Figuring out the strategies that never came to be. Making up everything in the run. Never stopping. Being something I’ve never been.
The longer I fought the algorithms, the more purpose I felt. But still, nothing was won. Everything I thought I had built was irrelevant. It was already in the past. Nobody will look at that. Everybody expects something new.
What I wasn’t doing was focusing on something vital. Something that would last and stay there in the future. I was so busy figuring out the socials, that I couldn’t find the time or discipline to build something. I was not only focusing on the shiny new thing but also forgetting about everything else. It not only stripped me away from my time but also from my ability to write, to read, to create, to focus.
Nobody would care anyway, right?
And today I think that maybe someone actually would. But there is nothing to care. Because of my decisions, I didn’t even work on anything meaningful.
I deleted so much because I felt that was not enough. That it doesn’t matter, that I’m just an idiot to believe I have the slightest chance.
My archive almost doesn’t exist. Everything that does is for my eyes only. Unfinished. I don’t grow because I don’t have the foundations from the past. Things I started were the only proof I was trying. But it’s not here, not anywhere. It was never done, never right, never ready.
Am I even ready to show that now?
If you’ve followed me long enough you might say “But you’re doing barely anything”. And that would be correct. Barely anything goes out. But the design and the “lousy first drafts” also take time. And I have tons of these.
Social media gives the most bizarre idea of making it. That you can matter if you simply follow our rules. But these rules change rapidly and if you don’t follow them you’re out. And there’s an abundance of new faces to replace you.
Am I quitting it altogether? I don’t think so. I’m quitting social media as the most important part of whatever I am trying to do (as if they were anyhow presentable). I’ll still be using them for what I need but I won’t be following their rules. And I will try my best not to fall into their deceptions.
The Other Me
Over the last couple of weeks, I tried my best to limit my time on social media. I’m well aware that this is yet another of the same old but I realised how miserable it was making me. I’m currently trying to regain my attention span and remove as many stimuli as possible. I started walking, reading and being in the situation. I try as much as possible not to do two things at the same time. I’ve been paying attention to the time spent on my phone and removed most notifications. I still have that annoying brain shortcut going straight to Instagram whenever I open my phone but I’m doing my best to resist that.
Don’t be fooled, it is hard. My anxiety comes more often than before and it begs for that forgetful place of constant dopamine. My lack of self-worth is more visible than it has been for a long while. And since I have addictive behaviours (eating disorders in the past), the “relapses” happen quite often.
I thought maybe I should drop it. But I don’t want to. I still need my outlet to speak out about films and stuff. No matter if anybody cares, I do. After six years, Hero Management is still alive. So even if this will never help me get anywhere, I want it alive. I truly enjoy all the things that happened because of it. The people that found my silly little space. Not too many, but still worth it.
I’m planning to open that Pandora’s box that is my archive. It’s a huge mess. And I want to fill in the gaps here. I’m tired of fighting the corporations. I’m done. I want it to be what it was in the beginning. Something mine to share with whoever would like that. And something to grow.
